Who Tops
by Dark-AmethystUnicorn
Summary: The girls really want to know who tops. Heavily mentioned CLC
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **The characters are not mine.

**Who Tops?**

It had taken awhile for them to open up enough to allow it to happen. Yuffie knew the second they walked into Merlin's; a new sense of closeness was shown in the way their hands and shoulders brushed together _oh so innocently_; Yuffie knew from a glance that her two favourite bishies had, in her words, had 'hot kinky **mansex**!'.

And she had no reservations about loudly announcing that fact either, much to the mixed reactions of her friends. Merlin, for example, had choked on his tea and a delighted Tifa had squealed and nearly broke Cloud's ribs as she hugged him. Leon had the good sense to hurry over to Aerith before the fighter could hug _him_. He regretted his decision a second later when Aerith decided that she _had_ to know who the uke was and started to demand the answer from him.

All either of them could say was thank god for Cid; that blessedly grumpy middle aged man who demanded that the bloody meeting hurry the fuck up already so he could get back to the damn computer.

The subject wasn't dropped however. Though it was silenced for awhile when Leon gave an objective lesson which consisted of 'if two of you girls were sleeping together, would you like to bothered over who was the dominant?". That silence lasted only a day, when Yuffie decided that since she was a **yaoi** fangirl, a lesbian counterargument didn't count. After all, the Great Ninja Yuffie cared _only _about the **mansex**. Something she took pleasure in vocally demonstrating; explaining to the two men how they could turn the construction site into their personal -very kinky- mating grounds.

Neither had appreciated her sentiments, especially _not_ Leon who took the restoration work seriously. Thanks to Yuffie, he wasn't able to feel comfortable enough on site to actually work constructively that day.

She was given the graveyard shift for patrol duty as a consequence. Tifa and Aerith decided private speculation would suit them just fine and left the couple alone.

But not Yuffie.

_Never Yuffie._

-----

Cloud lifted an eyebrow as he watched Leon throw an armful of cameras into the trashcan with a satisfied smirk. "Yuffie?" He queried pointlessly, already knowing the answer but feeling the need to say something as Leon tossed the final camera into the bin with more force than necessary.

"Who else?" Came the disgusted response as the brunet threw himself onto a chair with a sullen look.

Cloud chuckled softly. "She's persistent. You have to give her that."

"I'll give her a hiding, that's what I'll give her!"

A blonde eyebrow rose again as amusement slightly quirked Cloud's lips up into a miniscule smile. "A hiding?" He repeated quietly. "What are you? Her father?"

Leon glowered as he stood up again, making sure to whack Cloud across the side of the head as he walked out muttering darkly about ninjas.

Rubbing his head Cloud had to give a short soft laugh as the front door slammed, indicating Leon's departure. Leaning back, he drummed his fingers on the table as a scheming smirk played on his features. Yuffie wanted to know that badly did she? Well then, far be it from Cloud to spoil her fun. But those cameras had to go; Cloud was not an exhibitionist and he didn't trust the girl to not make copies and sell them for a tidy profit.

----

Yuffie gaped openly as she spotted one of her favourite gay bishies walking out of a shop with a bag full of purchases. One of _those_ shops to be precise…you know…

_**A sex shop.**_

Her eyes danced gleefully as she skipped after the blonde, her delighted chuckles going unchecked as she moved quickly to close the distance between them. As Cloud stopped and turned to face her, she rearranged her features to take on a more angelic look, smiling cheerfully as he gave her a questioning stare.

"Goooood morning Cloudy!" Looking down at the bag she leaned against him and elbowed him lightly in the ribs; noting with amusement that he promptly pulled the bag out of her view. She giggled and directed her stare to his face and wiggled her eyebrows. "What's in the bag Cloudy? Something for a fun night eh?"

Amusement flickered through his eyes as he nodded smoothly. "You could say that." He answered quietly. "Leon does like…a little variation."

Yuffie nearly squealed her response, successfully managing to stop herself from bouncing on the spot with glee -just. "Oh?"

He nodded again, a smirk curling one corner of his mouth as he had the girl's undivided attention. "Nothing too extreme though." Inwardly he almost cackled as she visibly deflated at the thought that her two boys weren't as kinky as she'd hoped. "A little BDSM…a little kitchen sex…a little _bathroom sex_." He smirked as the ninja's mind visibly took on the fangirl thought process. He could almost hear the thought running giddily through her yaoi obsessed head. 'OMG, bathroom sex means they're..NAKED!'. He patted her head as she finally let out a squeal. "Try not to spread that around okay? Leon's a little shy about our…erm, activities."

"Oh! Sure thing Cloud!" She waved him cheerfully, waiting until he was around the corner before squealing again and doing a little dance as the mental images so generously helped by Cloud danced around her mind. Oblivious to the faint, evil sounding chuckle and the pedestrians giving her odd looks; it was the next day before she finally came back down to earth when she realised that one crucial factor was missing in her newly acquired fantasies, stopping them from progressing as far as she'd have liked…

**Who the bloody hell topped?!**

End

I had to do it. I mean we all know, Yuffie would get sidetracked a little when presented with that kind of info and the thought of Cloud getting the better of her was too fun to pass up.

Please R&R


	2. Sober and Drunks

**The Sober and the Drunks.**

As Cloud lounged on the steps next the accessory shop in the marketplace, he eyed the proceedings before him and made some observations.

You should never trust Yuffie to prepare the drinks. Cloud could understand wanting to make sure everyone was part of the planning but really, couldn't they just put her in charge of lighting and be done with it? Come tomorrow morning, when Aerith and Tifa were fighting off a bitching hang over, they'd realise that and Cloud was intending to laugh over that fact _very_ _loudly in their ears_. Even if it gave them a heart attack, simply because it would prove he _could_ laugh.

The Restoration Committee made _such_ amusing drunks to watch.

The drunken Leon, for example, was difficult to associate with his sober self because drunken Leon was a _cuddly_ drunk (Cloud would have to get him drunk more often; an overly affectionate partner to cuddle with when having a bad day sounded pretty damn good). This fact Sora was learning the hard way; the keyblade master had an affectionate leather-clad gunblader wrapped around him and nuzzling his brown spikes. For the most part, Sora appeared to be fine with the arrangement; laughing fondly and patting the intoxicated man on the head as a drunken slur was rambled into his ear. Every so often though, he'd look mildly irritated as the arms wrapped around him made it difficult to move –mostly in attempt to reach for food.

Very amusing.

Mouth threatening to quirk up into a smile, Cloud let his gaze drift from the pair of brunets and stared around the room, idly taking in the various states of the committee members; Yuffie was managed to drunkenly drape herself over the stair railing in front of the Moogle before passing out –ah, that was why it was only _so_ loud and not _too_ loud- her upper torso was dangling in such a way, Cloud felt compelled to estimate how long before she fell and smacked her head on the concrete below. After determining, rather disappointedly, that she was balanced in _just_ the right way to prevent such an accident, he let himself gawk as Merlin danced an odd jig on one of the tables to Cid's off-tune (_violently_ off tune!) singing. Cursed dancing and singing drunks.

As sparkling green suddenly filled his vision, he jerked his head back, blinking a few times until he realised he had a flushed Aerith grinning at him in quite the drunken manner. He raised an eyebrow. "Aerith?"

The woman beamed at him and started to speak –something Cloud regretted severely as he discovered that Aerith was a _talkative_ drunk. With a Chipmunk on crack style of talking due to all the alcohol she'd consumed. In her pink-wearing glory, the pretty healer glomped him as she babbled at a rate faster than anything Yuffie had ever achieved. "Clooooud! Don't just sit there, even Leon's having fun! It's fun to have fun with friends, isn't Cloud? I love my friends; don't you love your friends?" She looked at his dazed expression and laughed. "I love Leon, he's my little brother, you know. Well not really, 'cause we don't have the same parents but you know what I mean. Do you love Leon, Cloud? Yuffie thinks you're hot together and I think she's right. What do you thin-"

A gloved hand pressed itself against her mouth. Cloud sat there with the drunken woman half in his lap as he narrowed his eyes at her. "Stop talking. I can't understand a thing you say."

She giggled and straightened herself up, poking the blonde in the chest roughly. "Le-on."

"Ooooh." Cloud moaned as Tifa stumbled over and joined Aerith in creating a human blanket for him. The fighter laughed uncontrollably. (_Laughing drunk_, Cloud thought bitterly) "Is Cloudy and Leony gonna give us a show?" She laughed louder. "The mansex! Good family entertainment."

"…Shut up. Damned drunks…"

"Who tops anyways?" Aerith slurred happily. "Yuffie never did find out; you dis-disac…argh! You made her think of other things!" She finished accusingly. "I think Leon tops." She added conspiratorially. "You're too busy playing emo to top. Leon's a leader and he's strong and considerate. And Lee's taller."

Cloud let himself fall backwards against the steps, wincing as his head smacked against the concrete. He shut his eyes as Tifa spoke up, silently praying to every deity –bar Hades- for the embarrassment to be cut short. Unfortunately Hades was the only one watching and if he did lift a finger, it was to flick the switch that raised the embarrassment–o-meter.

"Nuh-uh! Cloudy tops! He's all brooding and dark and _stronger_ and brooding-"

"You said brooding twice." Cloud sighed tiredly. As interesting as it was to hear who they thought topped and why, Cloud was fast becoming bored of it again. For the life of him, he could never understand why all females of his acquaintance deemed it their _right_ to know the intimate details of his relationship with Leon. Really, there was more talk about his sex life than there was actual **sex**; besides, what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom.

…_unless_ it was kitchen sex, then it just stayed in the _kitchen_.

Tifa giggled. "Yuh! I did. How about…_bigger_? Did I say _bigger_?" As Cloud choked on his own spit, the fighter threw her head back and howled with laughter.

"Wuh…T-ti-Tifa…you…huh?"

Tifa pressed her head against Aerith's shoulder as her laughing subsided, a tired slur answering Cloud's not-so-eloquent response. "Well, Leon's all skinny as a waif. You've got more meat on ya. Buster sword's bigger than the gunblade too." She added in a mutter.

Relief crashed over Cloud as he realised he'd interpreted it the wrong. "Oh."

"So who tops?" Aerith repeated as she lay against the steps, peering up at Cloud through her bangs.

_Ground, open up and swallow me. Sephiroth, get resurrected and attack. I don't care what; just get me out of this!_

"_Cloud_!" The blonde found an affectionate and _very_ drunk Squall Leonhart curling up on his lap and nuzzling into his shirt.

…_or Leon; Leon works too._

"Lee?"

_Bad Aerith_. Cloud thought, eyes narrowing at the healer now struggling up into a sitting position.

The drunken Leon didn't share his sentiments; he waved at the girl and smiled goofily at her. "Aeri! Hello!"

She waved back with wild, quirky movements. "Hello! Leeeeee…who tops in bed?"

Leon blinked. "Wha-uh?"

Cloud stared at him in awe. "Gods, you're _too_ drunk to even process that."

"_Who_ fucks _who_?" Tifa giggled as she leant forward.

Leon blinked a few more times before his eyes widened. "Ooooooh!" He smiled and opened his mouth. Cloud winced and made to slap a hand over his mouth. But Leon started speaking before he could and when he heard what the brunet had to say he nearly died of laughter. "Well, Cid fucks the bakery lady. I know because she told me so when I asked why she was always giving me free cake. The man next door to Yuffie fucks the accessory shop guy and someone said that Scrooge fucks-"

"That'll do, Leon." Cloud snickered, holding the blessedly drunk man closer. The brunet scowled up at him, slightly put out from being shushed before smiling lazily and resuming his cuddling.

"Wow…" Aerith blinked slowly. Cloud could see the wheels turning in her alcohol-soaked mind. "Cid…gets some?"

"Blackmail!" Tifa gasped between laughs. "I must tell Yuffie that!"

Aerith pouted petulantly as Tifa disappeared. Swaying to her feet, she tottered over and plonked herself on top of Leon. Cloud grunted under the weight of the two bodies and almost threw them both off as Aerith repeated her earlier question with more clarity.

"Leon, do you top Cloud or does Cloud top you?"

_Damn nosey _drunken_ fangirl._

"Hmm?" Leon was still nuzzling drunkenly into Cloud's vest as he peered up at the girl on his lap. "That's our busa…sussi…Clo'? I forgot the word."

"Business." Cloud murmured, feeling positively _gleeful_. "That's _our_ business."

Leon nodded rapidly. He blinked as everything seemed to spin around him before wagging a finger at the girl. "Yeaaaa. What happens in bed stays in bed." He sighed deeply, a gust of alcohol-ridden breath warmed the side of Cloud's neck. "And what a bed…"

Cute, drunken, _cuddly_ Leon. Cloud thought fondly. He really would have to get the man drunk more often. Leon was such a fun drunk.

"Awwww…hey…if I sit in the bed, can I know then?" Green eyes sparkled at the two men. "Pwease? You don't have to do it in front of me…just tell me. _I wanna_ _knoooooow_…"

Noticing that Leon was looking thoughtful and likely to agree with her logic; Cloud pushed the girl off him as gently and as quickly as he could before standing and tossing Leon over his shoulder. "Not your business!" he reminded her before running off, Leon giggling wildly at the bouncing sensation as he clung to the blonde's shoulders.

Everyone looked up as Leon made one loud parting statement while nuzzling Cloud's hip. "Is this my ass? It looks hot!"

Aerith turned to Tifa with a smirk. "And that's why Leon tops."

Tifa was laughing hysterically as she responded. "Nuh-uh, doesn't even know Cloud's ass, Leon totally bottoms."

"Leon tops!"

"Cloud tops!"

_End_

Had to do it. Just had to do it. Leon's drunken self is partially based on my friend Bex who runs around hugging everyone when drunk. Whenever we go to a party she tells us to keep an eye on her so she doesn't get too affectionate with a stranger. It's very funny and it's advisable to take a cuddly drunk with you to a party if you're staying sober.


End file.
